Leadership isn’t just about driving results. It’s about people. That includes you.
Many leaders are harder on themselves than anyone else. They carry guilt, replay mistakes, and second-guess every choice. That voice in your head saying “You blew it”? That’s your inner critic. And if you don’t quiet it, it gets louder—and more destructive.
Donato Tramuto knows this from experience. He’s a former CEO, best-selling author, and founder of the Tramuto Foundation. He’s led global companies, launched social good projects, and built a career around compassionate leadership. He believes leadership starts with how you treat yourself. And that means learning to forgive.
“When I was younger,” he once said, “I’d punish myself for weeks if I made the wrong call. One time, I laid off someone during a reorg. It was necessary, but I kept replaying the look on their face. I lost sleep. It distracted me for days. Then I realized—I wasn’t helping them, or me.”
Forgiveness didn’t make the mistake disappear. It just stopped it from taking over his mind.
What Is Self-Forgiveness?
Self-forgiveness is the ability to let go of past mistakes.
It means recognizing what happened, accepting it, and moving on. You don’t ignore it. You own it. Then you stop punishing yourself.
It’s not the same as letting yourself off the hook. You still hold yourself accountable. But you stop acting like you’re your worst enemy.
The Inner Critic Hurts Performance
That harsh voice in your head? It’s not a motivator. It’s a blocker.
Research from the University of California found that people who forgive themselves are more productive. They recover from failure faster. They also avoid getting stuck in shame spirals.
Leaders who constantly criticize themselves are more likely to:
- Avoid hard conversations
- Hesitate when quick action is needed
- Distrust their own decisions
- Burn out
A 2022 survey by Deloitte showed that nearly 60% of leaders report feeling used up at the end of every day. That’s exhaustion—and self-judgment adds fuel to the fire.
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How Forgiveness Builds Stronger Leaders
Forgiveness is a skill. And it makes leadership better in three big ways:
1. It Builds Emotional Strength
When leaders let go of self-blame, they stay focused. They don’t spiral. They adapt.
A manager at a tech startup once told Donato he almost quit after blowing a product demo. Tramuto asked him one question: “If your teammate made that same mistake, what would you say to them?” The guy replied, “I’d tell them we all screw up sometimes.”
Donato smiled. “Then give yourself the same grace. You’re not that special.”
That stuck with him. He stayed. He led the next launch. It went great.
2. It Boosts Team Trust
People follow leaders who are real.
When leaders admit mistakes and model recovery, teams feel safe. They take more risks. They speak up more.
Self-forgiveness allows leaders to say, “I was wrong,” without fear. That honesty builds loyalty.
3. It Improves Decision-Making
Leaders who forgive themselves don’t freeze after failure. They learn and move.
Instead of asking, “Why did I do that?” they ask, “What can I do next?”
That mindset leads to better decisions—and better outcomes.
Spotting Your Inner Critic
Most people don’t even notice it. That little voice is sneaky.
You might hear:
- “I’m terrible at this.”
- “They’re all going to think I’m a joke.”
- “I should’ve known better.”
Stop and check: would you say this to someone else? If not, it’s probably your inner critic talking.
How to Practice Self-Forgiveness
You can train your brain to be less harsh. Here’s how:
1. Write It Down
After a mistake, write a short note to yourself. Make it something you’d say to a teammate.
Example: “Yes, I missed that deadline. I’ll fix it. I’m still good at what I do.”
Write it. Read it. Repeat it.
2. Own It, Then Drop It
Mistakes happen. Admit it. Fix it. Learn. Then drop it.
Set a time limit: 10 minutes to feel bad, then move on. Put a reminder in your calendar if you have to.
3. Make a “Bounce-Back Plan”
Instead of shame, shift into action. Ask:
- What did I learn?
- What will I do differently next time?
- Who can help me improve?
Make a checklist. Simple steps. Forward motion.
4. Build Your Anti-Critic Crew
Ask someone you trust to call you out when you’re too hard on yourself. A friend, mentor, or coworker.
One executive Tramuto mentored shared this tip: “We had a code word—‘Reset.’ When I was spiraling, my team would say it. That snapped me out of it.”
Support helps. Use it.
Real-World Results
Donato Tramuto once helped train hospital leaders on self-compassion and forgiveness.
One nurse manager came up to him weeks later. She said, “I used to beat myself up over every little thing. I snapped at a patient’s family once and thought I should quit. After that training, I realized I could apologize, learn, and move on. I don’t carry it around anymore. I sleep better.”
That’s not soft. That’s leadership.
Final Thought
You’re going to mess up. You’re going to make the wrong call. You’re going to wish you had done it better.
That doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means you’re human.
Donato Tramuto said it best: “Leaders don’t need to be perfect. They need to be whole. And forgiveness is how we get there.”
Be a better leader. Start with yourself. Be kind. Forgive. Keep going.
Founder Dinis Guarda
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